September 2020

Personal • 9/30/20

I can't believe it's the last day of September already. My ex came over uninvited again this morning trying to talk about getting back together. This is honestly draining me. I just want to be happy. I've yet to do anything that productive again today. I still haven't walked/or ran three miles today and it's already five o'clock as well haven't done my monthly entries for work yet. My mother and brother want to go out to eat but I really don't think I want too. I'm thankful that I did spend time with my brother today though, he can tell i've been losing it a little bit. My emotions are everywhere. I did draw with chalk for a little bit today, I call it chalk therapy. I like the idea of creating something temporarily even though it'll just be washed away by the rain at some point. It looks like pocket is looking into my soul right now by suggesting this lmao "Burnout sounds like a millennial problem, but it can affect all of us. Learn how burnout became a thing in this collection of articles from Pocket." Gah maybe i'll read this article. Oh, I also bought a inspirational journal. (I know I don't really need another journal but here I am, it's one of those things I just buy) I've never bought an inspirational journal though. It's really cute, inexpensive, and simple with nice quotes on the pages.
Miles: 0 & Pace: 00:00

Swing, swing from the tangles of my heart - All American Rejects

Personal • 9/29/20

I honestly didn't due anything that productive today. I been stuck in my feels. I did laundry, took care of my mother and tried to help my brother with his physics quiz. My mom suffers from multiple things. (Not to make you as the reader feel bad but this is what it is). Sometimes I hate it and othertimes I think it's always been my higher calling to take care of others. Today I buttered her bagel, reorganized the freezer because it was so crazy it stopped working and frosting everything, as well as help her with miscellaneous things. I wish I could do more for my mom, she suffers a lot. I wish I could change things sometimes, but I know I can't. I wish I could see my mother breathe one day without the help of a machine. I feel like i'm getting way to personal but here I am. FML. Once again, the only thing constant is change.. for better or worse. But I carry on, like I always do, and as well so do you.
Miles: 3.50 & Pace: 22:01

Let thy step be slow and steady, that thou stumble not - Tokugawa Ieyasu

Personal • 9/28/20

I came home to find a bouquet of flowers on my bed. I'm a sucker for flowers. They are so pretty and were even pre-cut. I'm going to upload a photo at some time, i'm kind of all over the place right now. I also called multiple places other than hospitals looking for volunteers to go into PA school.. but corona pandemic has screwed me again. I'm really still on the fence of having nursing as a back up plan now, or just going to medical school. I don't know what to do and it's driving me crazy. I just need to PICK SOMETHING ALREADY. But can I? No. I just twist and turn with these thoughts inside my head and cringe inside my bed....
Miles: 4.00 & Pace: 11:01

We have all been hacked, the only question is whether you know it or you don’t ― Raghuram G. Rajan

Personal • 9/27/20

I should be asleep by now, but i've had a long day. Will update in my other side post until I can get through this weekend and maintain my sanity. It's 12:33 AM here and i'd like to do another four miles today, but three is good too. Well, my second update is a little later but it is what is is. My ex apologized for the way he was acting and wants to get back together. I'm trying to take things day by day now. I just want to know why it has to get to this point. He then ubered my favorite food (panera bread) to my house. It was a nice gesture and I always appreciate a tuna fish sandwhich with TOMATO BASIL BREAD (i'm a pescatarian) and did I mention i'm OBSESSED WITH TOMATO BASIL BREAD.
Miles: 3.14 & Pace: 10:25

I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back - Jimmy Kimmel

Personal • 9/26/20

Well, on Saturday I broke up with my boyfriend. I explained to him that I wasn't happy and I was tired of being treated the way I was. We were together for a year and a half. I still am in love with him, but I need to put my mental health and self first. Obviously I cancelled the surprise birthday party and dinner reservations. He came over later that night, and picked my door lock to get inside my room to talk to me. I know, i'm in love with the crazies. But I like crazy, I like different, and the misfits.
Miles: 4.00 & Pace: 11:13

TWhen i find,
i'm all alone
Gotta tell myself
I'm irreplaceable
- Madilyn Paige - Irreplaceable

Personal • 9/25/20

Nothing I do is good enough.

Well, the title says it all folks. I planned out the weekend for my boyfriends birthday as follows:
Friday- give gifts and stay in
Saturday- eat dinner with his parents and throw a surprise party at my house for him
Sunday- take him out to eat at a restaurant
But RUDE AWAKENING, nothing goes as planned.

I’m an idiot honestly. My boyfriend says he gets out of work at eleven o’clock at night but you know somehow he “magically” only had to go into work for two hours on Friday which already messed up my plans a little bit. I had bought the 50$ Dunkin Donuts gift card, a bamboo wooden brush for his hair, scalp massager brushes, argan oil, a cute little white clear quartz crystal, and a 12 pack. I had planned on making svedka jello shots for his surprise birthday party on Saturday. (I wanted to do them while he was at work on Friday so they would be ready for Saturday) BUT looks like all the stores I use to buy them from don’t have them in the store anymore. (I haven’t made them in about two years but I figured it’d be a nice thing to do also) ANYWAYS I didn’t make those.

Well, he came over on Friday after calling me nonstop asking when we were going to hang out. It’s annoying to me because he could have been honest with me from the get go, he was going to get out early for his birthday. I hate that I always have to be on his time, it’s rather unfair to me. After realizing I was not going to be able to find the jello shot mix, I gave up and went home. Lit a candle in a little mallomar and he opened his gifts. He said thank you, and surprise he actually bought me something. I don’t think he did it to be nice though, I think he bought me a gift and gave me one on his birthday for all the times he’s ruined my birthdays. Well, this is where it gets upsetting.

I don’t feel like typing this out in a story so I’ll keep the conversation with him and I dialogue.
Him: Wait until you see what my cousins girlfriend got me (in a rather deceptive/showing off tone)
Me: What is it? (clearly just curious and oblivious)
Him: You’ll see it when you come over (still flaunting in tone)
Me: Why can’t you just tell me what it is instead of trying to build up some weird suspension?
Him: Because it was a thoughtful gesture and it’s a snack (trying to get a rise out of me)
Me: What kind of snacks? (just getting annoyed at this point)
Him: Repeats himself saying you’ll see it when you come over..

Eventually we go back to his house, he goes into his refrigerator and takes out a box. He opens the box and it’s a tray of chocolate covered cookies, fruits, exc. And continues to explain she hand made them, obviously trying to get a rise out of me for no reason whatsoever. ANYWAYS, my bad I could have done some stupid shit like dunk fruits and cookies into a chocolate fondue shit but he had to make me feel like shit that everything I did wasn’t good enough. He did it to make me feel guilty for whatever the reason. I tried to explain how I felt and turned the conversation around explaining I was mad because she made him that. No, I wasn’t mad that she made him that. I was mad that he continually made me feel like an idiot and that nothing I did was good enough to be frank. I figured I’d just suck up everything I was saying and deal with the situation tomorrow. I didn’t want to be like him, I didn’t want to ruin his birthday.

Personal • 9/23/20

I didn't really sleep well last night. I think on and off I got around 6/7 hours constantly tossing and turning. I can see a huge difference in my mood when I don't sleep correctly aka i'm definitely more irritable. It's my boyfriends birthday tomorrow and i'm trying to be excited for him but it's hard. We've been constantly fighting and he keeps blaming me for his actions. It's honestly really unfair to me. For what it's worth, i'm always the bigger person and feel like I get walked all over. Even when I stand up for myself and things don't go his way.. it's an argument. He apologizes in the long run but the same issues keep repeating over and over. Even though he has ruined my last two birthdays, i'll make the best of his. I don't know how much longer I can put up with this anymore. At the end of the day, I want to be happy and I want him to be happy. Whether it's with me or without me.
Miles: 3.00 & Pace: 19:01

Like a fish out of the water, this only gets harder - Benny Blanco

Personal • 9/22/20

I actually bought something for myself today, a 15$ serum for my face but only contained 1oz. My brother laughed at me because he stated "You could have bought a handle of alcohol for that price." I also started laughing because it's true. Anyways, life seems to be going so fast again. I can't believe it's already fall here. The colors haven't started changing yet, but it feels like everything else is changing. I miss summer already.
Miles: 3.00 & Pace 11:08

Conceal don't feel, don't let them know, well, now they know - Idina Menzel

Personal • 9/21/20

I could sit here and go back in time and write what has happened over the last four days but it's basically a lot of llama drama and just my mile times. I think I only missed one day of running/walking. I suppose my favorite part of today was sitting on the grass in my backyard. Sometimes it's the most simple things will bring the most joy. I didn't exactly like sitting on the acorns, although they were there first. It does make me wonder how my neighbors oak tree can disperse so many acorns into my backyard, and not one be lucky enough to survive and grow the following year. So, I googled and it turns out that acorns typically contain one seed, but may contain up to two seeds. I thought that was pretty interesting, but i'm also a nerd so it's probably not that interesting to anyone reading this. I wish I took more photos over the last four days to post in my little blog corner of the internet. I like the idea of having this, and being able to look back into the future of what I was doing/thinking. I have multiple diary/journals in person and online in microsoft word but everythings so chaotically unorganized. This blog space kind of feels like it helps me categorize it, even though it's still a little all over the place. And I know realizing as I type this i'm going on a tangent about mostly nothing. I hope everyone had a nice Monday.
Miles: 3.00 & Pace 9:50

Every oak tree started out as a couple of nuts who stood their ground

Personal • 9/17/20

Miles: 2.23 & Pace 11:28

Deep down you already know the truth

Personal • 9/16/20

When you really care about someone, their problems become your problems too. Everytime I think i'm cruising in the water i'm somehow pulled into the deep end of the ocean bobbing above the surface like pieces of cork. But I should just focus on myself. I really need to designate these next four months focusing on my future and figuring out what I want to do with my life. I feel like know I belong in the health field, I just don't know where. Or atleast I know i'm suppose to help other people in some way, shape or form to say the least. I don't get it. I don't understand how people just KNOW what they want to do or plan on doing the rest of their life. Some people I guess are forced to decide while others are motivated by something that has happened in their life, they have no other alternative or just need the money. Currently: feeling l o s t.
Miles: 3.08 & Pace 11:00

If you are working on something you really care about, you don't have to be pushed. The vision pulls you – Steve Jobs

Personal • 9/14/20

I watched twelve patients walk into the office after I already had arrived, only to notice they got to see the doctor before me. I spent over an hour in that waiting room. When I finally arrived into the patient room, there was still visible mouse traps from last time. Looks like those mice aren't going away anytime soon. After all the waiting I was told my doctor can't prescribe my medications until they recieve my records from my other doctors office. It's frustrating when I explain and fax secretaries all of this information before the appointment, to be back in the same place where I started. Currently sighing at my futile thoughts. Everything was so easy before my insurance changed. Now that I don't currently have to pay a co-payment it seems i'm undervalued. I'll probably feel better after I go for a three mile jog.
Miles: 4.15 & Pace: 10:14

There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you - Maya Angelou

Personal • 9/13/20

I guess i'm more reluctant to journal when things are chaotic in my life rather than pleasant. But honestly, my weekend has been pretty sweet so far. I ended up going to a random park today which had a huge lake but it was full of green algae/moss. I would have liked to walk the full perimeter but it was getting late. There was also really cute little fish probably minnows or maybe they were tadpoles. There were also purple mushrooms. I'm nervous about my doctors appointment tomorrow. My other doctors office has closed due to the pandemic of Corona and will not re-open. It feels bitter sweet because although I hated the traveling aspect of going to that doctors office every month, I appreciated the doctor and the people working there. It was kind of a seclusive, tight knit office. So my new doctor will be handling my medications going forward, atleast I hope. I'd like to stick to one doctor because bouncing around to different doctors isn't exactly what i'd like to do.
Miles: 3.60 & Pace: 20:05

Develop success from failures. Discouragement and failure are two of the surest stepping stones to success - Dale Carnegie

Personal • 9/12/20

I haven't been journaling much recently, it's because i'm trying to get out in the real world.. although I do prefer the virtual world. I went to a hidden park today that had a wigwam which was pretty cool. The floor boards on the trail were pretty dangerous and unsturdy. Basically think of a see-saw and if you don't walk on the center it flips. LUCKILY enough for me, I was the only one who didn't get my foot sunken into mud or the water from the creek. I'll update pictures when I have time. It looks like I slack more nonetheless when it's the weekend and I don't have work pertaining to my athletic approach. I still try to get three miles in, whether it's walking or jogging.
Miles: 2.80 & Pace: 13:01

The whole secret of a successful life is to find out what is one's destiny to do, and then do it - Henry Ford

Personal • 9/11/20

Although it's September 11, it is also my aunts birthday today. That is one positive thing to be appreciative of. I'm procrastinating getting ready for work today. (low key praying I don't have to bake or cook anything but I don't think luck is on my side). Also arguing with my boyfriend still which seems irrelevant at this point. Time seems to be going by quicker and quicker these days.
Miles: 2.02 & Pace: 22:01

A fool does not see the same tree that a wise man sees - William Blake

Personal • 9/10/20

I like my job, but like all jobs there are pros and cons to everything. One of my obligations is preparing healthy foods/ and or snacks. I don't mind doing this, the problem is i'm a pescatarian. I honestly just don't like the smell of certain meats anymore such as ham or bacon. (& I use to be the biggest bacon eater trust me). It's like the grease engulfs into my nasal cavity and twists my stomach into knots. I haven't always been this way though, i'm on year four of the pescatarian diet. But i'm going to do my best to see the positives for today. I'm also currently annoyed that the creature of course wakes up once i'm beginning my day making breakfast. But once again even though it's thunderstorming outside today, i'm not going to be negative nancy and try to be positive patricia.
Miles: 3.33 & Pace: 12:45

Nothing can dim the light that shines within

Personal • 9/9/20

Miles: 3.02 & Pace: 10:00

If you're going through hell keep going. - Winston Churchill

Personal • 9/8/20

Miles: 3.07 & Pace: 10:07

What seems to us as bitter trials are often blessings in disguise - Oscar Wilde

Personal • 9/7/20

I was shoving my hands into the nutella jar around 11' o'clock last night. That was probably the first red flag. I'm always angry when i'm hungry, and not for nothing but there is NEVER anything to eat at my boyfriends house. (I had bought the nutella because it was that time of the month and I NEEDED chocolate) BUT ANYWAYS, I said a lot of shit I shouldn't have said. I've had certain things bottled deep down inside, I know it's my fault for the words I used and that's okay. But I do speak the truth, unfortunately. I say things that people don't want to hear. Definitely not feeling to shabby right now, but I took all of my belongings from his house this morning. I'm not quite sure what's going to happen moving forward from this but I'm gonna just keep doing me honestly. I apologized and I have two options, be miserable or enjoy the rest of my day soo i'm gonna look at the bright aspect and enjoy the day off from work. But it looks like I ordered food last night to the wrong address.. I ordered it to my house and not his house. So I found food on my front porch this morning, damn uber you always there for me though.
Miles: 3.02 & Pace: 12:25

Success is the sum of small efforts, repeated day-in and day-out - Robert Collier

Personal • 9/6/20

I'm not a celebrity, but sometimes I wish I could walk into a room full of people and not know one person. Or rather, one person not know me. I live in a small town and it seems even when I venture out of it, somebody knows of, about, or recognizes me. I wonder what they think. Do they judge me on the past things i've done? Do they even care? I've never been a good at judging a persons character. I feel like I just always see the good, rather than the bad in people. I suppose it's a blessing or a curse.
Miles: 3.01 & Pace: 10:07

All progress takes place outside the comfort zone - Michael John Bobak

Personal • 9/4/20

I ended up running over two garbage bags yesterday in front of my house. I knew something was underneath my car I just didn't know what. THEN I finally noticed when I just drove until they flung into the street. Myyyy badddd. LOL; I had a long day of work and I just really needed to get out of my house. Atleast they were just full of leaves, not actually litter. I'd really like to keep up with my fitness and record the cardio on here. I feel like it keeps me positive and focusing on my health and future.
Miles: 3.25 & Pace: 10:14

There is no traffic jam along the extra mile - Roger Staubach

Personal • 9/3/20

I just woke up but feel a little irritable. My bestfriend likes to wake me up at odd hours of the night meowing whenever she feels the urge too. I don't have work until the afternoon so I feel like i'm also moving slower than usual today.
Miles: 2.10 & Pace: 11:10

Success is liking yourself, liking what you do, and liking how you do it - Maya Angelou

Personal • 9/2/20

Miles: 3.19 & Pace: 10:45

Nothing can dim the light that shines within