October 2020 🕷

Personal • 10/29/20

I've been doing better focusing on the positive instead of venting about the negative. My TOKYO GHOUL mask came in the mail today (: I started studying for the nursing entrance exam as a back up, and applied for an accelerated nursing program. I think I have a solid chance of getting in. I really just want to get out of my house and be independent.

Personal • 10/26/20

I'm rarely home at all anymore. For what it's worth, it seems like it's keeping me more sane. Still struggling with what i'm going to do with my life and have to edit the other page i'm working on.

Personal • 10/22/20

I'm trying, i'm really trying.

Personal • 10/21/20

I'm going to try to be more positive and stop harnesting the darkness I keep inside. I gotta just let it go.

Personal • 10/20/20


I'm struggling trying to figure out how to express my feelings in appealing platform. I don't think they should be on my main page, but what do I really know. I've taken a bunch of pretty photos the last few days and have been spending more time in nature which is making me feel better all around.
** new thought maybe i'll just type my feelings into poetry hmmmmmm

Personal • 10/15/20

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I'll update this again later. I think i'm going to provide a different section for things like this. As you can see i'm still playing with the layout, as well as my life, and mobile responsive blog posts. Thanks for keeping up with my insanity. If i'm a bother, feel free to unfollow.

Autumn is the hardest season. The leaves are all falling, and they’re falling like they’re falling in love with the ground - Andrea Gibson

Personal • 10/13/20

There are far better things ahead than any we leave behind

I don't understand what's wrong with people who don't want to leave you the fuck alone. It's quite simple, honestly. I request to no longer speak to a certain someone and alas like magic you're supposed to just fucking disappear. It's becoming apparent to me I have to resort to my old methods again and now do the immature blocking so perhaps they get the hint. Unfortunately I can't just pull restraining orders out on everyone I know because that would be absurd. I would like to take special note in this section and dedicate to how much I will no longer be helping my brother in any shape or form as well. I will no longer allow him to use my printer. I will no longer help him with physics. I will no longer help him with his girl situations he's gotten himself into time and time again. I will no longer help him set up his schedules, nor give the guidance and support I use too. The basis of this pretty much follows with my "cousins" as well. I was suppposed to be in a competition with some of them this week, but I think it's for the best to just omit everything. Truth is, I don't really need anyone besides myself. I think to whoever reading this, the same goes to you as well. Extra people in our lives, helps the time pass by faster, and sometimes even make the pain dull. But just like drugs, alcohol and extra people it is all only temporary. Just stepping stones in our path to help get through a certain phase or numb the pain.
Abs: 270 Pace: Not timed

How beautiful the leaves grow old. How full of light and color are their last days - John Burroughs

Personal • 10/12/20

Blood isn't thicker than water,
and family will cross you quicker then strangers

Life just seems bitter sweet intertwined with chaos and happiness. I suppose i've always had somewhat of a fucked up family. My aunts, uncles, and cousins aren't even my real aunts, uncles, or cousins. I should stop where i'm going with this before I type anymore, but i'm going to anyways. I probably said a lot of things I shouldn't have Friday night, but that's what happens when I get to my breaking point. The worst part of expressing my inner thoughts and complaints? Everyone can't stand the fact that i'm right. It honestly doesn't even feel good typing this to be frank but it is what it is. But did I have to say the things and act in ways that I did? Probably not, no. I guess everyone betrays you in the end, sometimes you gotta just keep keeping on. Whether it be one of my "cousins" who left me to go to school by myself. Even though we planned on going together for months. She not only decided last minute not to go with me, decided she wasn't going to go with me because of a boy. I was so alone and miserable for such a long time, and we rarely talked after that. Eventually I forgave her, but the more i'm looking back i'm wondering why I ever forgave her. Or maybe when my "aunt" played favorites between my other "cousin" and I. I think that one hurt more honestly. I was young at the time, and I didn't understand why I wasn't getting the same attention. She ended up dying and eventually I found out I was the other side of the family. I wasn't really related to anyone. I was connected but not by much. Some of them as well, just pretend to care. Those I call simply the pretenders. The pretenders are only intrested in the drama of the family. I'm not sure if it's because there is not much going on in their real lives or they simply just want to sit back, laugh, and see how it all plays out. At the end of the day, what I decide to do with my life going forward is my bussiness.

Personal • 10/09/20

Jumps: 1000 Pace: 14:20

We accept the love we think we deserve - Stephen Chbosky - The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Personal • 10/07/20

A flower cannot blossom without sunshine,
and man cannot live without love

I'm tired, and my eyes are burning. But i'm still pushing forward. Or atleast, i'm trying too.
Miles: 3.00 Pace: 13:31

Mistakes are proof that you're trying

Personal • 10/06/20

Send me on my way

Everyday I walk into my house the creature groans loud enough to be heard and known. I should be more clear, it groans whenever anyone walks into my house. To hear this everyday is psychologically d r a i n i n g. He groans because he hates anything that represents happiness or change. Some people just want to make others around them miserable, when they can't achieve their own form of happiness. In my own perspective, happiness isn't always achieved easily. There are many variables that play a role in this. Somedays I obviously myself struggle but I have to keep looking forward because I refuse to be stagnant. I don't want to be a pond that mosquitos come to lay there eggs in and infest. I want to be a wave in the ocean impacting others and finding myself in various parts of the world. ANYWAYS, running does clear my mind and helps me look at the bigger picture instead of the thoughts racing through my head.
Miles: 3.02 Pace: 10:02

People say you have to have a lot of passion for what you’re doing and it’s totally true. The reason is that it’s so hard that, if you don’t, any rational person would give up. So if you don’t love it, if you’re not having fun doing it, you’re going to give up - Steve Jobs

Personal • 10/05/20

On the bright side,
I went sunflower picking this weekend 🌻

It's around eleven o'clock at night and even with my door closed and my mothers breathing machine on, I can hear the creature through my walls. He's drunk playing poker on his computer again, he does this everyday. Today the creature started drinking around 12' in the afternoon today. I just wish he would use headphones, all I can hear is his computer with the music circulating my subconscious of coins chinging on repeat. A phrase he often mumbles to himself is "suck my ass". It's really annoying actually but typing it out made me laugh out loud. He plays with fake money online, because he has no money in real life. Anyways I ended up purchasing my mother a Michael Kors bag today because Lord and Taylor is going out of bussiness as well as Christmas is coming soon. Normally I buy her stuff every year that she doesn't use, but last year was different. I decided to buy her a Calvin Klein wallet, and she actually loved it/ used it. So it only took me twenty-something years to figure out my mother likes brand name bags or stuff in that nature.
Miles: 5.00 Pace: 10:45

Autumn is a second spring when every leaf is a flower - ― Albert Camus