November 2023

Ello folks.

Much has changed, and much hasn't at all. Time is weird. I quit smoking. Which is kind of insane for what it's worth.. The first two weeks was pretty much hell on acid. Extreme mood swings, withdraw and the whole nine yards. I want to say i'm slowly and surely still moving forward. Need to update my bucket list and really find things worth doing next. Hope everyone has a wonderful thanksgiving exc. Friendly reminder ~ sometimes being alone is all you need.

October 2023

It's been over a month

•It's been over a month since i've logged into neocities. For what it's worth things are okay I think. I'm currently in a gas station that's about two miles away from where I work. Looking forward to getting my car back tonight. I think having things to look forward to makes life/things easier. I can't believe it's almost been a year since I moved. Time is moving so fast.. ANYWAYS, I hope if you're reading this you have a great day and tryto enjoy your month =)

August 2023


• someone else I knew growing up I found out past away last week. It really is sad to find out these things especially when they're around your age. It kind of shows I should be more greatful because not every day is guaranteed. I started looking at other job opportunities but I feel like i'll have to stay with this job for atleast six months. I did find a dollar crumpled up in grass today though, so maybe today is my lucky day.

• I tried my best today; and everything still went sour.

July 2023

one post

• Well I celebrated my 30th birthday and it makes me sad knowing i'll spend the rest of my thirties without my mom. When I turned 29 without her it felt like it didn't hurt as much but I guess this birthday it really sank in. I'll no longer be celebrating any of my birthdays with her. Luckily my cousin came to visit me which helped alot. I do get sad though because all of my aunts (even those who've passed away) have atleast gotten the chance to meet one of their grandchildren. It hurts the most because I know that's what my mom wanted and made me feel guilty for. She always pressured me (making it believe it was my fault) if she wasn't going to be able to meet a grandchild one day. It still bothers me inside but I know the truth is, it wasn't my fault. It was her fault for not taking care of herself, even though I tried to take care of her as best I could. On the other flip side of things, I still really hate my job, but the coworkers seem to make it more pleasant. Recently i've been having to count every dollar/ micro manage eveything I spend because of my rent. But to be frank, it's my fault. It's my fault my job is below average salary. It's my fault I stopped chasing my dreams after my mom was going in and out of the hospital. It's my fault I decided to stay in a bubble for too long. It's my fault I can barely support myself but i'm making it work. But most importantly, it's my fault because I did this to myself.

June 2023

starting my new life

• Days are flying by pretty quickly now considering I finally started working but my schedule is changing soon again and i'm sure i'll find out soon enough what that is. I've had a pretty rough week and I honestly think I have some kind of hidden voo doo car curse. Today I had a client cancel & although I could have refocused with another client I decided not too just because I knew something was wrong with my car this morning. 450$ later my car is fixed.. for now ._. On the other hand all of the money i've made so far is literally just going straight to bills, food, and my car. I actually ended up overspending this month and that's mostly just on the basics. Meaning i'll have to dip into my savings account for rent more than likely. To top that off I forgot my passport is expiring so that's another 130$. But wait, there's more.. My cat has been knawing his fur off nonstop. I thought it was due to the other place I was living and it was stress related. But even in the new apartment, he's tearing his fur out. So I have to find a new vet in this state who hopefully won't tear me limb to limb with my current money situation going on. I don't know if i'm happy, but I don't know if i'm sad either. I think im just trying my absolute best to enjoy this journey of life for the time being. After all, I did sign a one year lease so if i'm not 100% thrilled or whatever I theoretically can always move back to New York. The only things I really miss the most is the city, trains, going out east, and being surrounded by friends who feel like family. It's hard moving 3000 miles away and not having a single friend to ask if they'd like to go food shopping with you. *sigh

• my phone started overheating on my drive home from work so I had to stick my phone infront of my air conditioning vent until the google maps started working so I could find my way back to the apartment. I still don't know the route there and back yet so that's pretty embarrassing lol.

• so i've had a real few hectic days to say the least.. everythings changing so fast again in a blink of an eye. I try not to talk about my relationship on here but that's also getting to the best of me. Anyways i'm currently sitting on my blanket on the floor with my laptop now on the empty microwave box. On the brightside i'm trying to build a new life but it's taking a hell of a toll on me. My "first" week of work was only three days but next week it should be four. After getting fingerprinted and a background check for the second time, I finally got my contractor badge. It's different and I miss my old clients but here we are. For one thing it is cool typing with the blinds behind me on this laptop/ and my shadow.

• after five trips to the internet store I finally have internet folks. I'm so mentally exhausted and drained (what else is new). I'm currently typing this on the floor of my new apartment because I don't have any furniture yet. I tried to pick up a small desk on the side of the road but it wouldn't fit into my car. I was hoping by day 4 I would have a microwave by now but since I bought a cheap one I guess the shipping is still delayed. I'm thinking I can have my food heat up outside since it's hot out (do what you can with what you have). I start work Tuesday and I am just doing the best I can. Atleast my mattress arrived and I can sleep on that. I already had the plumber over for three hours because the bath tub was clogged from the original owner, garbage disposal was broken, and my water heater is shot. Truth is, you get what you pay for but this is how things work. I'll update again either tonight or tomorrow I still have so many things to do.

May 2023

the chapter of life continues

• last update of may, and my heart is wild. i'm holding on and letting go again. The most important thing in my life is my cat and my laptop. I am on this journey and I just wish I wasn't so alone sometimes. I enjoy being alone alot, but recently i've felt otherwise. I don't know what im doing. I thought I did and am trying my best at everything life has to spin at me at once.

• happy second birthday in heaven mom ♡ wish we could have spent it together

• i'm just overwhelmed ( again ) everything always happens all at once. My tire blew out, my next tire I ordered doesn't come until the day after I start work. I didn't realize when I ordered the tire I could have just ordered it to the store to have it put on there instead of shipping it to my new apartment so i'm just annoyed. My new doctor isn't accomodating to my new work schedule either so I'm going to have to explain to my new job I can't come one day before I even start. Ugh. I just pray my donut doesn't wear out (or I get a flat on the way to the new apartment) and the tire I ordered would be REALLY helpful if it somehow magically appear prior to me starting work. On top of that my job gave me another mandatory training and i'm going to try to get it done by tomorrow and attempt to clock in and see if I can get paid for it (doubt it though). I still have packing to do >.<

• what is a mattress protector exactly? lol am i that poor I never knew this was a thing? smh >.<

• sometimes indecision comes from being anxious because the right decision is the harder decision if that makes any sense.

• more boring news, :3 i think I might have to just sleep on the floor of the apartment I rented (temporarily). I should just man up and buy a mattress. I'm just freaking out over what I can or can't spend for groceries, exc. Constantly a reminder: am i doing anything right in my life ?

• this journal entry is kinda sad cause I pretty much spent most of the day on the phone unfortunately. I had to fix my cable utilities because they were going to start charging me before I was ready to activate it and put it into the new apartment. After I fixed that I spent another two hours talking to different agents about health insurance opportuities and it's alot more expensive here than it was in New York. I havent decided on a new insurance plan yet, but I need to soon. The other hours spent were talking to about relocating for my job but it's just so back and fourth I don't know what to do anymore. The bills are adding up tremendously out of nowhere or this thing called adulting I guess is occuring. It's times like these where I really miss my mom and wish I could ask her what the best thing is for me to do, but she still probably wouldn't know. It would be nice to just be able to ask her though.

• well I put air in my tires for the first time in my life (pathetic I know). Of course there was a line and people rushing me to hurry up, so I initially just stopped pulled into another parking spot until the line was gone so I could take my time and understand that each car has a different PSI. Fun fact PSI is on your tires in case anyone didn't know.. it didn't say it in my car user manual and had to watch a youtube video.

• so I finally (almost) setup all my utilities for my new apartment. LIFE IS SO HARD WHEN YOU'RE DOING THINGS WITH NO HELP :( I guess this is what growing up is. Inside I feel like I can conquer anything that rolls my way but sadly, i'm only human. It would be nice to have any ounce of help. I'm just so tired. It's hard because I want to make a difference in the world, but how can I do that and help other people while i'm just struggling to take care of myself...

Livin' in my agony
Watchin' my self-esteem
Go up in flames, acting like I don't
Care what anyone else thinks
When I know truthfully
That that's the furthest thing from how I
Feel, but I'm too proud to open up and ask ya
To pick me up and pull me out this hole I'm trapped in
The truth is I need help, but I just can't imagine
Who I'd be if I was happy

• happy second mothers day in heaven mom ♡

• exciting news is that I got the apartment that I wanted ! ( even though it's a bit expensive >.< ) I'm doing my best and I guess that's all I can do. My move in date is June 1st. With good news, comes other news as life as per usual. Although I planned on changing my health insurance it seems I have to change it sooner than I wanted too. I hate technical jargon and trying to understand contracts and documents. Sometimes I wish things were just easier to read / understand in the adult world.

• my cat scratched me on my eyelid because he was trying to wake me up so I would feed him ._. But the worst part was when I was sweating today it was dripping into the scratch causing my eyelid to BURN BABY BURN disco inferno. 🔥

• I finally got my new drivers state license for the state i'm now living in ~ I hope this is a good thing for the long haul. I'm so drained but the internet is thankfully my sweet escape from the real world.

• so the front of my car is currently being held together by rubberbands and zip ties.. let us say today was once again a rollar coaster. AGAIN. I might actually be getting the apartment ( the one I didn't want to get my hopes up for !! ) I literally just have had so many ups and downs recently my brain is scattered like scrambled eggs.

• the leasing agent didn't show to the apartment I wanted to see :( #ineedtogetthefuckoutofhere and on to bigger and better things.

• it took me 4 hours to apply to my first apartment because of my shaking crippling anxiety. It should have only taken at most 30 minutes, I honestly don't know why I get like this.

• & i've toured two more apartments. The first one I honestly fell in LOVE with, it feels perfect. It has a small (extremely small) backyard and a nice patio area. When I viewed it though, there were 10 other applicants with me so I know were all pretty interested in this property. I'm trying not to get my hopes up but it would be nice. The second apartment was still good, and I know I shouldn't be picky but the floor was carpet. My 16 year old cat occasionally throws up.. he's kind of like a dog because he eats to fast so that's my worry.

• the rOlLaR cOaStEr Of LiFe CoNtInUes; but really.. I'm mentally exhausted.

• let's just apartment searching is going, but not as planned. It's harder to find apartments that accept animals or so i'm learning. But I found a mediocre/ reasonable priced apartment but the location is on a busy main road. So that would mean I wouldn't be able to let my cat outside too explore and he would be stuck inside the apartment all day. I'm not sure that's the best option. BUT regardless I decided to pee with the bathroom door open when I visited the apartment ( I did not know another person would be coming to look at the apartment at the same time I was ) so that was PRETTY EMBARRASSING to say the least -_- Learned my lesson for the future. The second apartment I visited was absolutely horrendous. The photos on the rental listing looked nothing like this place. The worst part of this experience? I opened up the refrigerator and I swear I have never seen so many spiders in my life all at once. *cringing still thinking about it

April 2023

when i'm ready x0o

• so after passing three exams for my new job and intended "start date", I was told that in ordered to be hired I would have to complete an additional training.. let it be known i've already spent $270.00 for my exams and training required previously. I also do not get compensated on what I have spent untill after the first 90 days of hire. I'm trying to be optimistic but honestly and realistically i'm already certified. I can continue on now with or without this company or just do something completely different. I'm struggling because I enjoy engaging with people but am an extrovert but an introvert at the same time.

• finally starting my next apartment/ house search *cringe* wish me luck guys :3

• I find it hard not to journal dark repressing thoughts, and I think that is why I write poetry instead.

• I have been updating a lot, mostly because I don't start my new job until the end of April or beginning of May, so I finally have some free time on my hands. It's been a minute since i've updated last & I only realize because my coding skills are getting rusty, lol >.<