12/28/2020I'm having a really hard time again. I'll probably update this on and off all day going forward. My anxiety is getting the best of me right now and i'm trying to lay out my options. I guess the worst part is facing my own demons within myself. I feel like i'm starting all over from scratch again. Covid 19 has helped others, but has made mine worse. In extensional different scenarios throughout my life. I feel as if the answer to seek clarity is so simple yet, myself stops me in the long run. I'm going through one of the hardest times at the moment (or atleast which it feels like) but i've definitely been through worse. I don't know why life has to be so simple yet complex. I don't know why some people are naturally born lucky, while I have to suffer amongst the masses. I know i'm not the only one, but I wish I had others to talk to that had the same problems that I experience. It feels to me as those others who surround me have such miniscule problems and or dilemmas compared to what I deal with on a day to day basis. I literally feel like I have this weight anchoring me down to the bottom of the sea suffering. I should just take this time to write poems but I need my thoughts out loud. I need someone, anyone to hear me. I wish at the moment I could start over, or from scratch. I wish I was dealt with better cards but i've read it's how you play them. I wonder if my life is a blessing or a curse. My thoughts are essentially becoming sporadic. I'm probably going to spend the rest of my day inside of my bed, holding on to what I know is true.
12/12/2020I did some calculations and if I wanted to be a fetal doctor I would be 37 years old. I turned down the scribe job because I can't handle a new job with my mom in the hospital.. or maybe that's my new excuse. I had an awful day and my boyfriend decided to hang out with his friends instead. I should only depend upon myself for happiness regardless but i'm just a sad gal again. I've written alot in my spare time, even though I haven't updated on this site. I guess i'll do those and correspond to those dates. I hope everyones doing better than I am.
12/9/2020My mother was admitted back into the hospital and i'm having a really hard time going through this again.
12/1/2020what a time to be alive.