December 2020


I'm having a really hard time again. I'll probably update this on and off all day going forward. My anxiety is getting the best of me right now and i'm trying to lay out my options. I guess the worst part is facing my own demons within myself. I feel like i'm starting all over from scratch again. Covid 19 has helped others, but has made mine worse. In extensional different scenarios throughout my life. I feel as if the answer to seek clarity is so simple yet, myself stops me in the long run. I'm going through one of the hardest times at the moment (or atleast which it feels like) but i've definitely been through worse. I don't know why life has to be so simple yet complex. I don't know why some people are naturally born lucky, while I have to suffer amongst the masses. I know i'm not the only one, but I wish I had others to talk to that had the same problems that I experience. It feels to me as those others who surround me have such miniscule problems and or dilemmas compared to what I deal with on a day to day basis. I literally feel like I have this weight anchoring me down to the bottom of the sea suffering. I should just take this time to write poems but I need my thoughts out loud. I need someone, anyone to hear me. I wish at the moment I could start over, or from scratch. I wish I was dealt with better cards but i've read it's how you play them. I wonder if my life is a blessing or a curse. My thoughts are essentially becoming sporadic. I'm probably going to spend the rest of my day inside of my bed, holding on to what I know is true.


I did some calculations and if I wanted to be a fetal doctor I would be 37 years old. I turned down the scribe job because I can't handle a new job with my mom in the hospital.. or maybe that's my new excuse. I had an awful day and my boyfriend decided to hang out with his friends instead. I should only depend upon myself for happiness regardless but i'm just a sad gal again. I've written alot in my spare time, even though I haven't updated on this site. I guess i'll do those and correspond to those dates. I hope everyones doing better than I am.
I also learned I don't know how to spell recieve. It's "receive" AKA e before I.


My mother was admitted back into the hospital and i'm having a really hard time going through this again.


what a time to be alive.

November 2020


So, i've been quite busy. I read a post on reddit towards doing/being a scribe and feel very unsure of the position of this company now. I received another invitation to work in a laboratory, but I really don't want to do that. I think i'm having a midlife crisis. I'll probably write a lot this weekend, then weave out the good from the bad. I hope anyone reading this is doing well.


ʞɹoʍ llᴉʍ sᴉɥʇ ɟᴉ ɹǝpuoʍ I
^^ weird text thing I was playing with, kinda wanna know how to do it with HTML tho, deff wanna play around with this after work.


I want to write happy things, but I can only write when i'm in pain.


A psychic told me she saw me doing something with babies in my career. I'm confused with that response... All of my career options that i've thought about kinda do that. I mean, I always wanted to be a plastic surgeon for children with cleft lips, but like I'M GETTING OLD HERE. I don't know if I can be smart enough to do that, I thought dermatologist was the easiest out of all the doctor careers. My other ideas of what she means would be:

- Neonatology is a hospital-based specialty of pediatrics. This area of health care focuses on ill or premature newborns. A PA who specializes in neonatology most often practices in a hospital's neonatal intensive care unit.
- Pediatric nurse practitioners provide advanced nursing care to patients between infancy and early adulthood

I'm confused af.


I like the header I just made for this. Maybe i'll make some examples on it? It's just webkit gradients but I mean maybe someone else will find it useful. ALSO, happy November first. I look forward to the day that i'll be able to write happier poetry. I applied for a job as a scribe and now i'm nervous because they emailed me saying I should fill out a formal application to recieve an interview.. which means I probably am suited for the job. I haven't applied to a different job after I graduated because I know that means it'll be a real job. Not exactly my career choice, but it'll look good on my resume and get my foot into the door for a health related career. I guess that's all for now.